Often in horror it’s hard to understand how a certain place can stay in business for so long. One would think establishments that prey on vulnerable guests or hotels that are ridiculously haunted would be hard pressed to find patrons. But, business is always booming in the horror genre because if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t have any movies to watch.
It’s a shame that victims in horror movies lack the sensibility to know when a place is bad news. Luckily for us in the real world, we have ways of knowing the places to avoid. Review sites like Yelp can help ward us off from businesses with less-than stellar customer service thanks to visitors who share their horror stories.
If only Yelp existed in horror, it could save many characters’ lives. We here at Blumhouse.com thought it would be fun to imagine what the reviews for some of horror’s most popular places would be. Considering the events that occur during these films, the reviews are all negative.
Here are 5 bad horror yelp reviews.
OVERLOOK HOTEL (THE SHINING)
Stanley K. writes:
You’d think that staying at a place as isolated as the Overlook would allow me some peace and quiet. It’s not really asking much, is it? I was on a deadline, but everyone just kept pestering me and breaking my concentration!
My room—room 237—was disgusting. There was a half-nude old woman who managed to make her way into my bathroom, and she couldn’t wait to get her hands on me! There were men in furry animal suits upstairs, twin girls were roaming around the halls without parental guidance, and some kid wouldn’t stop riding his damn big wheels up and down the hall.
It was enough to drive me to drink. And don’t even get me started on the caretaker. He chased us around the place with an axe! Then, blood literally started pouring from the walls.
I tried getting my money back, but the place was dead by the time I was ready to check-out. Not to mention, the caretaker was too busy running around in the outdoor maze. Worst service ever.
THE SLOVAKIAN HOSTEL (HOSTEL)
Eli R. writes:
I went to Europe for two things: to get laid and to get wasted. My tight budget led me to this hostel in Slovakia. It was full of college kids. At first, the place was great. There were hot chicks everywhere, easy access to booze, and a shit ton of bars within walking distance.
One night I was doing my thing with this smokin’ hot local, and the next thing I know I’m blacked out in a broom closet. I know I was wasted, but I can handle my liquor. Someone definitely slipped something in my drink. Thanks for the cock-block, asshole!
By the time I got back to the hostel, my stuff was stolen and the dude at the front desk said I had checked out already. Bullshit. Other guests started mysteriously “checking out” too, and that’s when I had had enough of this place.
I knew I should have thought it was weird when every broad in the place was throwing herself at me. I’m not that good looking.
MOUNT HOLLISTON SKI RESORT (FROZEN)
Emma B. writes:
My girls and I were wicked pumped to hit the slopes after it snowed. We picked Mount Holliston Ski Resort because it was nearby, and my girl Molly knew a guy who could get us in for free. I mean, he was a little sketch, but how could we pass up a free trip, right?
Unfortunately, we learned the hard way that you get what you pay for.
Molly’s guy was OK, but the rest of the guys working there were creeps. I know my snowsuit was a little tight, but I didn’t dress that way to get hit on. Ugh, get a life. Because all the guys were creepin’ on every girl there, their customer service legit sucked. Half the time no one was even operating the slopes. Like, seriously?
We left to get drunk at home. The lifts were closing early anyway and the crowd was lame. We’re glad we did, too. Later we heard about a group of kids who got stuck on the slopes for days. That place is SO lucky it wasn’t me, because I would have totally sued. Will never go back here again.
MOTEL PINEWOOD (VACANCY)
Amy F. writes:
My husband and I were having car trouble, and we had nowhere to sleep. We found this roadside motel and stayed for the convenience. But, we really wish we had found somewhere else to spend the night.
The both of us were irritable from the long trip. We just wanted to relax and get some sleep. However, there was incessant banging on the door next to our room, and we kept receiving prank phone calls. Then my husband found the video tapes.
When my husband turned on the TV—we were horrified at what we saw. On the screen was a video of what looked like someone being murdered in our room. We quickly realized there were cameras hidden throughout the place.
We complained to the front desk and he claimed to have nothing to do with it. He even tried giving us a free night’s stay in another room! We decided to take our chances sleeping in the car.
BATES MOTEL (PSYCHO)
Marion C. writes:
I came to Bates Motel to escape my past. Little did I know, I would be fighting for my future.
At first, the man at the front desk, Norman, was delightfully pleasant and helpful. He was very reserved and willing to accommodate me in every way. I soon discovered that he had an agenda; an agenda that involved watching me without my knowledge.
I uncovered peepholes throughout my room. And as if that wasn’t creepy enough, I could hear Norman arguing with his mother—whom I never even saw on the property. One night, I was taking a shower. Suddenly, the curtain was ripped open and standing there was an old woman!
She attempted to attack me, but I managed to overpower her. I quickly realized the woman was actually Norman, dressed in his mother’s clothing. I got out of there fast and never looked back.
This article was originally published on Blumhouse.com.